Big Guy has been asking to call us mommy for a while now, and we've firmly but lovingly said "it's too soon, it would hurt your mommy's feelings." But he started doing it anyway. He's been playing around with different words, but definitely making it very clear he doesn't want to call us our first names. So we finally had a conversation with him tonight about what he'd like to call us - We feel we should each have a different name and it shouldn't be "mommy" since he already has a mommy, whose feelings we want to respect and encourage him to respect. We gave some suggestions (like Ima & Mama, or Ima & Mama-B, which he rejected). His ideas?
Idea #1: "Mom One and Mom Two" ... Um, no way, buddy. I am not a robot. And it makes it sound like one of us is better than the other. Plus, it reminds me of Bob One and Bob Two (aren't they characters from some Dr. Seuss book?)
Idea #2: "Mother X and Mother Y" (with X and Y being our last initials). Heck no. There is no way you are calling me mother, sweetie pie. That makes me feel way too old and way too British.
Gotta keep working on this, because I want him to call us things he's comfortable with but I really don't think I can handle being Mom Two or Mother Y.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Oh BOY.
You know you're really a parent when you're giving a child a bath and you have to say:
"Um... buddy? It's okay to touch your pee-pee*, and I'm sure it feels very good, but that's something you need to do in private, not in front of your foster mom while she's giving you a bath. We only do that when we're alone, so I'm going out of the bathroom and closing the door now. Let me know when you're ready for me to come wash your hair."
*To clarify, I used the accurate anatomical term, but he insists on calling it a pee-pee anyway, and I don't want people to find my blog by searching for the real word!
"Um... buddy? It's okay to touch your pee-pee*, and I'm sure it feels very good, but that's something you need to do in private, not in front of your foster mom while she's giving you a bath. We only do that when we're alone, so I'm going out of the bathroom and closing the door now. Let me know when you're ready for me to come wash your hair."
*To clarify, I used the accurate anatomical term, but he insists on calling it a pee-pee anyway, and I don't want people to find my blog by searching for the real word!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Things I should post about at some point.
Just a few things I'd like to write about when I can find the time:
1) The situation that led to Big Guy (and, initially, his brother Little Guy) being placed with us
2) The way I feel totally abandoned by most of my friends and much of our family since Big Guy became part of our lives
3) The fascinating conversations we have with Big Guy about race, skin color, ethnicity and hair
4) Figuring out how to discipline a child with intense behavioral and emotional issues
5) How surprisingly wonderful some of the support staff are that we've been working with through the Agency, school, etc.
6) Some of the hilarious things Big Guy says over the course of a day.
7) My concerns about his mental health
8) What keeping Shabbos (the Jewish sabbath) looks like when you have a 9 year old non-Jewish foster child
9) Addressing Big Guy's negative feelings about gay people and Jews, and some of the amusing conversations that have ensued
1) The situation that led to Big Guy (and, initially, his brother Little Guy) being placed with us
2) The way I feel totally abandoned by most of my friends and much of our family since Big Guy became part of our lives
3) The fascinating conversations we have with Big Guy about race, skin color, ethnicity and hair
4) Figuring out how to discipline a child with intense behavioral and emotional issues
5) How surprisingly wonderful some of the support staff are that we've been working with through the Agency, school, etc.
6) Some of the hilarious things Big Guy says over the course of a day.
7) My concerns about his mental health
8) What keeping Shabbos (the Jewish sabbath) looks like when you have a 9 year old non-Jewish foster child
9) Addressing Big Guy's negative feelings about gay people and Jews, and some of the amusing conversations that have ensued
Why I've been M.I.A.
It sounds cliche to say "I just haven't had time to post"... but it's really true. Since my last post here's a brief version of what's happened:
1) We got licensed as foster parents
2) I finished up a pretty intense semester of school
3) I continued to struggle with several health issues that give me a lot of pain and fatigue
4) We got a call about an allegedly gorgeous 1 year old girl in perfect health who was a rare "truly fost-adopt placement" (in the words of the caseworker who called us) in that the TPR process had already started and she had been in a kinship care situation that was no longer working out due to nothing related to the baby. My hands shook, I could hardly contain myself. And then 1/2 hour later we got a call back saying "Uh, just kidding. We found another family member." We both felt really sad for a day or two, but praying for the baby and feeling happy for her that she was able to be with a family member got us through that.
5) We got a call about a teenager. Um, what? What part of "0-5" don't you understand, Agency?
6) We got a call about 1 and 9 year old brothers in mid-June. Because we are completely out of our minds insane we said YES! Little Guy, age 1, was a chubby and delicious and unusually adorable bundle of sweetness. An easy baby who slept through the night, was easily comforted, and adored his brother, Big Guy, like nothing else. He followed him around the house like a puppy dog and belly-laughed every time Big Guy yelled or whined or threw a tantrum. Big Guy was handsome fellow, with a sweet neshama (soul). Kind and helpful and funny and affectionate, when doing well... and extremely behaviorally challenged when not doing well. Diagnoses include Oppositional-Defiance Disorder (ODD), ADHD, depression, anxiety, impulse control disorder, so on and so forth.
7) After a week with us, our Agency totally screwed up their court case, which led to the judge requiring that Little Guy being returned home... but not Big Guy. So now the boys became separated, and for the last 6 weeks we've just had Big Guy, whose honeymoon period ended after 2 or 3 weeks with us. Since then we've been spending most of our energy managing his incredible tantrums and outbursts, which include throwing and breaking things, turning over furniture, threatening to run away, and threatening to hurt himself. In between those challenging episodes, he shows how much some of his behaviors have improved, he shows how much he's bonded with us (he's now asking if he can call us both Mom, and even though we told him we thought it was too early and we didn't want his Mommy to get upset, he's started to occasionally call us Mom-type names), he a pleasure to be around, and he amuses us ceaselessly. School says he's doing better since he's been with us. All his social workers are impressed. Yet at home, we are struggling with how much we are in love with this boy yet how totally clueless we are about how to manage some of his behaviors.
8) So, we're foster parents. It feels like it's been a lifetime. This has been the longest 6 weeks of my life. We know rationally that we're doing a great job with him, even if emotionally it doesn't always feel that way. It seems like Hashem (G-d) must have known what He was doing in leading a 9 year old with intense behavioral issues to our family instead of the 0-5 year olds with mild to moderate needs that we had originally signed up for. Except at the very most difficult times (when I am exhausted and hurt and angry and frustrated and sad and burnt out, and feel utterly isolated and unsupported) I feel like this was totally Meant To Be and I am so grateful that we've had the opportunity to learn how fulfilling it can feel to parent an older child. I miss Little Guy so much. We see him at Big Guy's weekly visits, and sometimes get to hold him. I am angry they have been separated - Angrier than words can express. At the same time, it's amazing to me the ways in which parenting an older child can actually be more satisfying than parenting a baby. I never would have dreamed I could handle this. But so far, I can. Just barely.
1) We got licensed as foster parents
2) I finished up a pretty intense semester of school
3) I continued to struggle with several health issues that give me a lot of pain and fatigue
4) We got a call about an allegedly gorgeous 1 year old girl in perfect health who was a rare "truly fost-adopt placement" (in the words of the caseworker who called us) in that the TPR process had already started and she had been in a kinship care situation that was no longer working out due to nothing related to the baby. My hands shook, I could hardly contain myself. And then 1/2 hour later we got a call back saying "Uh, just kidding. We found another family member." We both felt really sad for a day or two, but praying for the baby and feeling happy for her that she was able to be with a family member got us through that.
5) We got a call about a teenager. Um, what? What part of "0-5" don't you understand, Agency?
6) We got a call about 1 and 9 year old brothers in mid-June. Because we are completely out of our minds insane we said YES! Little Guy, age 1, was a chubby and delicious and unusually adorable bundle of sweetness. An easy baby who slept through the night, was easily comforted, and adored his brother, Big Guy, like nothing else. He followed him around the house like a puppy dog and belly-laughed every time Big Guy yelled or whined or threw a tantrum. Big Guy was handsome fellow, with a sweet neshama (soul). Kind and helpful and funny and affectionate, when doing well... and extremely behaviorally challenged when not doing well. Diagnoses include Oppositional-Defiance Disorder (ODD), ADHD, depression, anxiety, impulse control disorder, so on and so forth.
7) After a week with us, our Agency totally screwed up their court case, which led to the judge requiring that Little Guy being returned home... but not Big Guy. So now the boys became separated, and for the last 6 weeks we've just had Big Guy, whose honeymoon period ended after 2 or 3 weeks with us. Since then we've been spending most of our energy managing his incredible tantrums and outbursts, which include throwing and breaking things, turning over furniture, threatening to run away, and threatening to hurt himself. In between those challenging episodes, he shows how much some of his behaviors have improved, he shows how much he's bonded with us (he's now asking if he can call us both Mom, and even though we told him we thought it was too early and we didn't want his Mommy to get upset, he's started to occasionally call us Mom-type names), he a pleasure to be around, and he amuses us ceaselessly. School says he's doing better since he's been with us. All his social workers are impressed. Yet at home, we are struggling with how much we are in love with this boy yet how totally clueless we are about how to manage some of his behaviors.
8) So, we're foster parents. It feels like it's been a lifetime. This has been the longest 6 weeks of my life. We know rationally that we're doing a great job with him, even if emotionally it doesn't always feel that way. It seems like Hashem (G-d) must have known what He was doing in leading a 9 year old with intense behavioral issues to our family instead of the 0-5 year olds with mild to moderate needs that we had originally signed up for. Except at the very most difficult times (when I am exhausted and hurt and angry and frustrated and sad and burnt out, and feel utterly isolated and unsupported) I feel like this was totally Meant To Be and I am so grateful that we've had the opportunity to learn how fulfilling it can feel to parent an older child. I miss Little Guy so much. We see him at Big Guy's weekly visits, and sometimes get to hold him. I am angry they have been separated - Angrier than words can express. At the same time, it's amazing to me the ways in which parenting an older child can actually be more satisfying than parenting a baby. I never would have dreamed I could handle this. But so far, I can. Just barely.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Not much of an update.
Still waiting to hear that our homestudy's been approved and they're sending an inspector out to give our physical apartment their stamp of approval. Unfortunately as of right now we wouldn't pass because there are a few things that need to be fixed, but we're working on it. So things could happen very quickly. Then again, we're being told that in our count one can wait a year for their first placement if they foster ages 0 to 5! This is so different from what most of the foster parents I know have experienced, it kind of blows my mind. We're not even talking about "foster-adoptive placements", but about any foster care placement at all. Hopefully doing emergency/after-hours care will help our house not stay empty for a whole year, but we'll see. I'm feeling kind of bummed at the thought of putting together our new crib and having it be empty for that long. But only G-d knows what's in store, I suppose.
Freecycle rocks
We have gotten hundreds of dollars worth of baby and toddler supplies (ranging from furniture to clothing and beyond) via Freecycle lately, which is so amazing. We don't have a lot of extra cash lying around and are also big on minimizing our consumption of new items when possible for environmental reasons, so it's great to be able to reuse all this awesome stuff (some of it brand new or barely used, all of it in great condition). We've gotten a glider, a changing table, bags and bags of baby and toddler clothes, great baby toys, a Boppy, formula samples and more. It's also a fun way to meet new people. Folks have been very supportive and offered us lots of supplies when we've mentioned we were becoming foster parents, too. In fact I connected with another local foster parent on Freecycle when I posted in a posting looking for baby clothes that we were about to become foster moms. (Note to self: You owe her an e-mail updating her on how things are going.)
If you've never checked it out, I recommend it... You can find the official local lists through the site linked above, but there are unofficial Freecycle lists on YahooGroups, too. It's easiest to turn e-mail off so you only read the posts on the YahooGroups site, but the problem with that is you miss the chance to see new listings as soon as they post and try to be the first responder (first responders don't always get the item but they have a better chance). So when I have time to read the e-mails I have them come to my inbox individually, and when I don't I either do digest version or web-only. It's a little overwhelming at first if you live in an area with a busy Freecycle list, but it's well worth it. People give away a lot of junk but they also give away a lot of awesome things in really great condition and are unexpectedly generous. I think Freecycle is a foster parent's best friend.
If you've never checked it out, I recommend it... You can find the official local lists through the site linked above, but there are unofficial Freecycle lists on YahooGroups, too. It's easiest to turn e-mail off so you only read the posts on the YahooGroups site, but the problem with that is you miss the chance to see new listings as soon as they post and try to be the first responder (first responders don't always get the item but they have a better chance). So when I have time to read the e-mails I have them come to my inbox individually, and when I don't I either do digest version or web-only. It's a little overwhelming at first if you live in an area with a busy Freecycle list, but it's well worth it. People give away a lot of junk but they also give away a lot of awesome things in really great condition and are unexpectedly generous. I think Freecycle is a foster parent's best friend.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Homestudy completed. What next?
Our homestudy is finally done, and we should be licensed within a month or so. Right now we are trying to decide whether we want to do after-hours emergency placements. I would love to hear your experiences with that.
We are being told we could wait for an entire year for our first foster placement even after we opened our age range up to 0-5, that's how few kids are in the system in our county and how many foster parents wanting small kids there are. It's so bizarre, given that in most places they are desperate for foster parents and never seem to have enough homes. But it's partly because our state has made some strides in keeping families together, which is ultimately a good thing. Believe it or not, we could get matched with a waiting child for straight adoption through the state before we ever get our first foster placement. Part of our desire to do emergency placements is just not wanting the "Baby Room" to be empty for a year. It would also let us "get our feet wet" and get some experience parenting foster kids so that by the time we have a child stay for longer we are more confident as parents. I also think it might increase the chance of us getting a longer-term placement sooner, since if an emergency placement ends up staying in the system (most go home or to family members within a few days) we would have the first opportunity to be a longer-term foster home for that child. We're leaning towards starting emergency placements in the late spring and only accepting ages 0-2 for emergency (0-5 for regular placements). Passover and some other things that are going on make March a hard month for us to have our first-ever foster care placement, so we wouldn't open our home for emergency after-hours placements until at least April. Obviously if a longer-term placement or potential adoption comes up before then we'll definitely consider it, though.
I have all these rants in me, some of which I've started writing out as posts... and then I get scared to post my true thoughts on some things about the foster care system, about other foster and adoptive parents, about race/racism, about politics. I've blogged before and I just hate how nasty people can get when they are anonymous. Yet I decided to start this blog, and so now it's just a question of how much I want to put myself "out there". For the time being I'm playing it safe, but hopefully I'll get up the courage to write about some more controversial topics soon since that's what's on my mind. I'll put the comments on moderation just to avoid the inevitable.
We are being told we could wait for an entire year for our first foster placement even after we opened our age range up to 0-5, that's how few kids are in the system in our county and how many foster parents wanting small kids there are. It's so bizarre, given that in most places they are desperate for foster parents and never seem to have enough homes. But it's partly because our state has made some strides in keeping families together, which is ultimately a good thing. Believe it or not, we could get matched with a waiting child for straight adoption through the state before we ever get our first foster placement. Part of our desire to do emergency placements is just not wanting the "Baby Room" to be empty for a year. It would also let us "get our feet wet" and get some experience parenting foster kids so that by the time we have a child stay for longer we are more confident as parents. I also think it might increase the chance of us getting a longer-term placement sooner, since if an emergency placement ends up staying in the system (most go home or to family members within a few days) we would have the first opportunity to be a longer-term foster home for that child. We're leaning towards starting emergency placements in the late spring and only accepting ages 0-2 for emergency (0-5 for regular placements). Passover and some other things that are going on make March a hard month for us to have our first-ever foster care placement, so we wouldn't open our home for emergency after-hours placements until at least April. Obviously if a longer-term placement or potential adoption comes up before then we'll definitely consider it, though.
I have all these rants in me, some of which I've started writing out as posts... and then I get scared to post my true thoughts on some things about the foster care system, about other foster and adoptive parents, about race/racism, about politics. I've blogged before and I just hate how nasty people can get when they are anonymous. Yet I decided to start this blog, and so now it's just a question of how much I want to put myself "out there". For the time being I'm playing it safe, but hopefully I'll get up the courage to write about some more controversial topics soon since that's what's on my mind. I'll put the comments on moderation just to avoid the inevitable.
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