I really feel at this moment in time like I can't do this. I cannot physically wrestle with a defiant, oppositional child all morning who refuses to go to camp which means I am unable to work or go to school. I can't have my partner, "Sarah", missing work so much that she is worried her job is in jeopardy, because our boy refuses to leave in the morning. I cannot have everything in my house broken, though that seems like the least of our problems right now. I cannot allow myself to be bitten, spat upon, hit with a wiffle ball bat, and sweared at. Sarah is being amazing right now and trying to keep him safe while I have a few minutes to lock myself in the bedroom. Bless her. She had to leave work because I called her today, sobbing that I just can't do this anymore.
And yet I am doing it. I have no choice. The only option available right now is respite, which I fear would set Big Guy back a lot because of his abandonment issues (mom kicked him out because she couldn't handle his behavioral issues). I cannot screw this child over. I really don't want to cause more disruption and more issues for him. But how can I keep going? How?
Times like this I really don't know how we do it. And I really laugh at all the people who talk about how much progress Big Guy's made since he's been with us... because at times like this, I think they must be hallucinating.
Where is my sweet, kind, adorable boy? He disappears behind this mask of an angry, self-hating, wild animal child. It is so hard to remember that the sweet boy is still in there. But he is. And that sweet boy deserves to have a chance to learn how to feel more comfortable living without that mask. Which is going to take a LONG time, and a lot of work. I just really really hope we can make it. I prayed so hard last night after I said the bedtime she'ma that G-d will help him love himself and learn that it's okay to feel good. He is so incapable of allowing himself to feel loved or to feel good, and so he sabotages everything. Aggressively. We are so committed to him, but we also have to keep ourselves safe and we have to keep ourselves employed and functional in the world - Those are non-negotiables.
It is so hard loving someone who feels horrible about themselves... They will push you away in any way they can. This is true of adults, too, but with kids it's so much more intense.