Wednesday, August 11, 2010

This love.

The love I have for this boy is so overwhelming sometimes. We've been bringing Big Guy food from (blech) McD*nald's or B*rger King when we visit. He knows that we don't eat at McD*nalds or B*rger King because we keep kosher, and we don't take him there. We take him to a kosher fast food place sometimes, and we have our relatives and his mentor take him to eat non-kosher fast food now and then. So when I brought him a Kids' Me@l from BK at the hospital, he was shocked. He said "But you're not allowed to go there!" He was horrified at the thought I had gone there - LOL! I didn't want to tell him I had actually bought the food for him, because I had a feeling that would mean when he got home he'd expect us to take him there. So we told him his grandma and grandpa (Sarah's parents) bought it for him. This made him very happy. He was equally thrilled when I told him his other grandma and grandpa (my parents) missed him a lot. "They miss me a lot?" he repeated, with an eager look in his eyes. "Yes, baby, of course they miss you! They love you!"  He is so impacted by the unrelenting love and positivity he's been getting since moving in with us. His self-esteem is very low and he doesn't really believe he deserves to be loved, but when we deliver a hand-written note from one of our friends or relatives each time we visit, telling him how much they miss him... you can see how happy it makes him. When we tell him how much we love him, or that grandma and grandpa can't wait 'til he comes home so we can go to the beach... his eyes light up. He's just so, so lovable. I pray one day he will know that and feel that.

Yesterday's visit went swimmingly. Big Guy was hilarious, sweet and funny the whole time. He made us laugh so hard with his running commentary while we played cards. We called my dad and he spoke to him for a little while. He let me stroke his back while we talked, whereas last time he wouldn't let us touch him at all. He even let us hug him goodbye, though he was constantly worried someone was looking through the window and would see him hugging us (horrors!)  He seemed happy and calm. It doesn't feel as scary to have him in the hospital now that he's telling us he's happy there, now that I see that he's doing well, now that we've talked to the psychiatrist and feel that he's sensitive and competent. The gut-wrenching fear I had on Thursday night when we brought him to the hospital has been replaced with something calmer and more hopeful. But I miss him. I miss him so much. Who knew that after two months you could be so in love with a child that it hurts to be away from them and all you want is for them to come home, even though the day you brought them to the hospital they'd hit you hard with a wiffle ball bat?

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